The story of Titus

This is the story of big dreams, high hopes,  full faith,  love,  loss, crumbled dreams and broken hearts. 

This is the story of Titus.

I contemplated whether my heart was strong enough to tell this story. If I could open up this part of my life to share with you all as this is an incredibly heart breaking story to tell. But even though this story is very raw,  it is also very real. Life is unforgiving and unfair.

Breeding is extremely hard, time consuming beyond what anyone realizes and to the level I strive for is an added intensity, is lengthy, requires big steps to be taken and hard choices to be made. It is deeply rewarding yes, comes with so much joy, love, passion and fulfillment but unfortunately also comes with disappointment and massive heart break at times. Who are we to expect everything to fall into place exactly the way we want it though, at the exact moment we hoped for. All we can do is set ourselves up the best we can,  align our stars,  forge our paths, take our knowledge and intertwine it with the right people in the right ways and then have faith.. trusting the process as it unfolds.

Life is also of course, profoundly beautiful, full of amazing people,  great blessings and wonderful moments. I am learning to embrace both the light and the shadows as I tread gently through this chapter in my life hoping to soon gain acceptance of the details of this story. 

So here I am sharing the story of Titus. 

The hope and dream was to bring in new strong lines to my program, new blood, a new stud to tag team with Tonka.  To have a 2nd breeding option for not only my program but for many other breeders in the area as well if they so desired. To reduce inbreeding percentages, bring new lines/blood and introduce more families to the already wonderful world of cream goldens. The idea was grand and luxurious,  had massive potential and lite new passion for me in this branch of my breeding program.

This all started last year as my research in finding these lines I desired and a strong reputable breeder to work with was extensive and lengthy. It was clear that the only way to accomplish this was to import.  This lead me to a world renowned reputable breeder in Serbia that had successfully sent many dogs over here to the states into solid breeding programs. She had raving reviews, great successes in her dogs here and was highly recommended. She had just finished doing a full panel of health testing on an phenomenal young 10 mth. Old male that she hoped to place into his own breeding program here in the states. This was the dog whom I had the great honor to name Titus. Meaning exactly that - 'Title of honor'. I was honored to have this potential opportunity to bring over new exceptional lines.

After months and months of planning his arrival, Titus finally arrived July 14th. His trip was long but he arrived and I welcomed him with loving open arms and pulled him in tight.  He was perfect in every way. He melted into me instantly feeling immediate trust. We laid together on a blanket just simple sharing space and energy.  My heart soared.

He was white as snow on Christmas morning, had a thick dense wavy coat as glorious as they come,  structure that blew me away and an undeniable calm demeanor that instantly melted my heart.  He was sweet, aware, quick to listen,  loved to play ball and retrieved and dropped it perfectly every time. 

He was quarantined immediately for 2 wks. As I assessed him. He came with a UTI which was understandable from his long journey in. This was a challenge that should have been minor and quickly fixable. He was placed on antibiotics promptly... but his body wasn't responding.

We enjoyed each other's company immensely in the following weeks and went on many walks together around the property playing, talking, sharing space and loving life.

He was happy.

A few of you got to meet darling Titus as you came in to pick up your new pups.  I was thrilled to share him and let him say hello to a handful of families.  Who knew that that 1st hello was also their goodbye. He seemed to be ok considering everything that he had gone through. He was peeing often but that was a symptom of the UTI he was battling...or so I thought. He wasn't eating very well but I attributed it to be simply part of the big life transition and hoped with time, patience and many different types of foods, his appetite would pick up soon. It never did. 

Urinalysis after Urinalysis were preformed to monitor him. The reports that returned were not only showing no improvement, but showed an even greater worsening condition. A 2nd type of antibiotics were given as round 2 with again.. no success or improvement. By this point,  he had completed his quarantine time, was parasite free, was seemingly healthy in every other way,  was extremely happy but very eager to join my pack. He had met my pack from a distance over the weeks he was secluded and my dogs met him.  The lengthy distance introduction was highly beneficial as the second I finally let him loose to join my dogs in the yard they welcomed him immediately with ease. He was ecstatic to finally be in closer contact with other dogs to play romp run and tussle.  He initiated play but equally respected the quiet spaces. Tonka welcomed him just as easily as the other dogs. He was zippered into our routine seamlessly.

He moved like liquid and had feet like a bear.  His size at 10 mths was evident he was going to fill out as he matured with mass and width. He was perfection... stunning in every way. I felt extremely lucky to have this darling boy not only here but to have him imprinted on my heart so fast and to the degree that he did it. This is what made this so incredibly hard... I fell for him.. hard and fast.  It was impossible not to. As the days went on despite me trying to ignore what I didn't want to face,  I knew something wasn't right... my vet also knew from the lack of improvement in testing that we needed to test further. My vet pulled me aside and at that moment in time when she lowered her voice and her energy shifted, my heart sank.  She told me what she was suspecting was genetic and what was even worse, it was incurable and was also terminal. He was failing. In a flash my dream to breed this beautiful boy forward was crushed instantly. The decision was evident that I could never pass on a genetic disorder to any pup, to any family. That was very clear to me despite my desire, hope and dream to do so. As my dream crumpled to the ground at my feet in front of me,  I  remembered she had also said the words 'he was failing' again trying to ignore the worsening #'s on the tests, refusing to hear what I didn't want to accept. To confirm her strong suspicion in what was wrong, we booked an ultrasound in Seattle with a specialist a few days out.  The days ahead played out almost as if the whole thing was just a bad dream and the words of the news were never mentioned at all. We continued to live,  love,  laugh,  romp,  roll and play.  Eating continued to be very sparce and peeing frequently increased.  But he was happy which was the silver lining.  As we drove to the ultrasound appointment my heart was clenched with the hope that my vet may be mistaken. Maybe just maybe the news wouldn't go the way I knew deep down that it was going to go. I just felt it, but wasn't ready for it. The diagnosis was clear, obvious, heart breaking and devastating. It was indeed what my vet suspected, Renal Dysplasia. A genetic disorder where the kidneys never form correctly at birth.  They were malformed and in the condition of a failing senior dog with extreme kidney failure. There was that word again and again,  failing... he was failing. The breeder that I bought him from was unaware of this disorder as it had never surfaced at her kennel with any of her dogs she owned. She was equally devastated, in her own way, for him and for me.  The trauma of the travel triggered the UTI and the state of his kidneys made it impossible to cure which sent him into a spiraling descent of having him decline rapidly. The brief few days ahead unfolded in a blur, a foggy and incredibly difficult spin of emotions. I knew I needed to not only let this dream go but I needed to let this perfectly perfect beautiful boy go as well.

So in the midst of happiness,  joy and the excitement of pups leaving out the door to start their new beautiful lives,  devastation was looming. On the 35th day I had him in my care, Aug. 18th, I took him to Howarth park in Everett and we swam... we swam together with ease and abundant happiness.  We played fetched perfectly,  we ran in the in-coming tide, I ate sushi.. he ate puppy snacks... endless amounts of them. He ignored the other people and focused on me and him. 

He posed and I captured his beauty.  It was a perfect afternoon. By the end of the day I held him tightly in my arms softly telling him I was honored to be part of his life.  He held his title of honor with dignity and strength the whole time. I thanked him for his trust in me,  his puppy kisses and his unconditional love he gave us all. 

I laid him to rest on my property that night trying to wrap my head around what had just happened the last 35 days. As he peacefully left this earth I knew he felt love and admiration for what he thought was ahead for him but was out of his control. Titus slipped away... way too quickly. 

A dream.. a hope.. a push for passionate excellence was halted. I try to embrace the thought of one day trying again but for now I settle... not settle in the sense of less than,  but to let the gloom dissipate and the intense energy of the situation slowly come down in waves and sink into the fresh earth with dear sweet Titus.  My current pack is 5 is nothing short of extraordinary .. down right beautiful in all ways possible.  Every soul in this circle, remarkable, something unique and special. I am abundantly proud to pass along pups from these special dear creatures here. I focus on them... on what's ahead, and what they will bring to so many. 

I always have my radar on high, for what's ahead.. for more.  For what I can add to strengthen and to broaden my program, but for now I toggle the radar switch to pause. Pause for now at least to re center,  re balance, re think,  re focus  - so that I can continue building with charity, intention and purpose.

Goodbye dear sweet Titus